Eating People is Wrong

Well, it seems to me that we have reached a somewhat pivotal point in our relationship, and so it falls to me to make this rather hasty statement, because, in keeping with the social conventions of my geographical location, cannibalism is frowned upon. Now, the interweb is a valuable tool in linking communities, and I daresay there are a number of individuals prowling amongst us who not only applaud cannibalism, but embrace it as a constituent of their day-to-day lives. This is, clearly, an equal opportunities webspace, so I have no qualms about you going about your business. Indeed, I only speak in this manner because I am aware that the people holding the above views are in a significant minority; in this day and age, it is essential to go with the majority, or else the consequences could well be dramatic, and since I have no desire to be rapidly promoted to the higher echelons of the secular society, and, in a very short space of time, elevated to the status of a cult legend, I find this a sensible course of action. Obviously, once again, cult leaders are entitled to live their lives free from discrimination, but… the power would go to my head, and I may well end up running some sort of administration which has the audacity to claim the title of ‘leader of the Free World’.

You should note here that my use of capitalisation in ‘Free World’ is used purely for derogatory purposes.

Anyway, that said, I have no current wish to terrify an avid readership from this veritable tome, hence the bright, cheerful statement with which I chose to begin my assualt upon your finely-attuned senses. It also sets the tone for a word of warning: this amicable nature to which you have become so accustomed over the last… two posts… may soon wear thin, and I don’t want to find myself saying things contrary to the aforementioned statement, no matter how amusing/cheering/sexy they may appear to the minority who would embrace me.

Heed this, then: if you, at any point, hear me speculating on the virtues of cannibalism, stop me; I implore you.

Unless your method of inducing cessation requires the liberal introduction of rough, pointy or absurdly ticklish objects into areas only ever speculated upon in the back pages of the seedier medical journals.

Thank you, and goodnight.



Thus Spake Zarathustra

As well she might have done; I’m sure you’ll agree with me. This is, of course, assuming that ‘Zarathustra’ refers to a woman – in all honesty I have no idea.

All of which is uniquely fascinating, but I have taken on the not inconsiderable duty of providing you, the discerning reader, with a wealth of evening entertainment, and this most certainly is not it. So, with no no further ado, let me proceed to delight your tastebuds (which are likely to need surgical intervention if you actually allow them to delight themselves here) with whatever morsels my fevered mind can whip up in the endless moments between now and popping off to bed with a mug of warm milk and some fluffy bedsocks.

Firstly, it strikes me as worrying that I am even bothering to write this, being, as it is, five past three in the morning. Secondly, it strikes me as even more worrying that you are bothering to read it – from which I can only deduce that your situation is currently considerably worse than mine, and therefore I extend my deepest condolences. Yes, the internet may be a charming bundle of fallacies, X-rated material and amusing photographs of catsĀ  (not necessarily in that order) all lovingly wrapped up with an ASCII bow, but – and I’m afraid I’m going to indulge in that frightful honesty again – most people have better things to do with their time than sit in a salt-and-vinegar-crisp-induced stupor and stare with grim determmination at their computer monitors. Obviously, I cannot imagine what these ‘better things’ are, and I suppose, if I could, I wouldn’t still be arsing around on here.

But it remains that I am, and evidently so are you, so with that solemn unspoken introduction behind us, we will soon be able to get down to business.

Until such a time, I bid you a fond farewell, or, if you aren’t the type for such unmitigated displays of affection, I raise my right hand in a stiff, dignified salute, and allow you to proceed on your merry way.